November 04, 2004


Posted at November 4, 2004 11:38 PM in Daily Life .

When I was younger, even though I was obviously and introvert, I desired more friends and social contact. I was the geeky, obnoxious kid that never got invited to parties or outings. I was awkward and had difficulties communicating. Fundamentally, I was a late bloomer when it came to things social.

Later, in college, I was better socialized and had friends and was involved in things but always at the margin still. I've been lucky in that I have friends that I made then (Tylik, Dana, Richard, Diana) that I still know today and am close to in ways that only come with time and shared experiences.

When I got married, a certain amount of this dropped away as I did the domestic thing but it only receded. After the separation and divorce, I realized that I had lost contact with many people. With some, I reestablished contact. Some, I've never really gotten back in touch with but I still remember fondly. I became much more social then and dated pretty heavily, to varying degrees of insanity. I found that I'd become much better at meeting women but I still felt that lack of friends that I've had since my childhood. Perhaps it is part of being a latchkey kid that was an only child until age 9 and the move after that to Utah. I'm not always sure.

A couple of years ago, I realized a lot of that lack had dried up. I'm not sure what happened. Maybe I finally grew up enough to finally have enough of my own person that I was a lot more comfortable alone. I'm not entirely sure. I weathered at least one depression and a bout of panic attacks for other reasons in this period so my overall outlook in life has probably shifted as well. Realistically, I've felt that this is for the better because the desire always felt a bit odd and possibly unhealthy to me. I'm also more comfortable in being the person that I am and fuck it, to some degree, if that puts me at odds with people and the world at times.

I do look around sometimes and realize that I have many many friendly acquaintances, like people I know through the OTO or paganism or work, but I have few true friends. Maybe that's normal but I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to be like some of the people that I've known with tight knit sets of friends or developed social scenes that they moved in. In the end, if it was that important, I'd probably put a lot more energy into it.

Just some thoughts.


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