February 17, 2005

Attempted Contract Killing

Posted at February 17, 2005 12:32 AM in Daily Life .

Current Game Score:

White Four Door Japanese Car - 1
Blue-Gray Piece of Shit American Car - 0

For those just tuning in at home, a crew of four assassins (yes, four!) attempted to take out this announcer this evening. Their intended method was a quick lane merge directly behind my car on Lake City Way in traffic as the cars in front of me ground to a halt, forcing me to stop. With amazing agility and precision, they were able to impact the rear of my car while looking like complete dumbasses and making a loud "boom!" sound.

I pulled immediately over into a convenient dry cleaning store's parking lot and got out. The assassins, sensing an opportunity, immediately sped 50 feet down the road, went around the Starbucks, and veered out of sight and were never seen again.

The only proof of their existence is the nice piece of blue-gray plastic that one must assume came from the American car's front grill. Looking at my own car's rear, I can find no visible sign of their passage except for a dirty rubbery smudge. It takes amazing finesse to hit a car dead on at ten miles per hour or so and only damage your own car.

Figuring my would be killers would not be suddenly returning after waiting a few minutes and lacking any real description of the vehicle or contents other than "stupid dumbfuck 20-somethings," I continued on to my coffee appointment with my friend, Nathan.

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